T-22

This is an archived version of the letter titled "T-22" that used to sit on my itch frontpage as the only available project. As a letter, it is now considered to be in my past, but I will let it remain here in its mostly original form.

I owe all of you an explanation.

31st of December, 2024.

As this year comes to a close, I feel compelled to address many things. You have likely noticed my withdrawal from the internet, marked by no uploads, no forum activity, and sparse replies to messages. I have always struggled with communication, not in formulating thoughts but in maintaining consistent contact with others. I write this letter to hopefully get something sent out, because it is what I simply must at this point after staying quiet for so long.

My circumstances have been confusing, not just to others but to me as well. I will try to simplify it as best as I can but in reality there are simply too many different intertwining aspects and events that have resulted in my current state. If I were to choose only a handful of them to outline as much as possible I would say that the things I have been struggling with most are: attention deficiency, anxiety issues, severe mood swings, and overly impulsive behaviour.

It has affected my ability to work/study, my ability to partake in my personal interests, my ability to interact with friends/people, as well as my state of mind as a whole. (These issues of course also compounding and negatively affecting each other.) These are not biased judgements of self-deprecation either, I have been in talk with professionals about this, many of my closer friends are also aware to the extent that this has been impacting me.

I have been completely unable to properly engage with most people around me in a productive manner for extended periods, even when people have actively been trying to support me I have repeatedly found myself in situations where I return hostilities despite their kindness. I have overreacted to minor inconveniences, I have caused drama where none was to be found, I have yelled at my own friends despite them doing nothing to prompt it.

It took a lot of time to come to this realisation, for a while I thought that the problems I faced had some sort of rational reason behind it, that I had good reasons to be mad over things; I no longer find this to be the case. I have taken breaks from the internet many times before, but every time I have thought that tensions had calmed down things would escalate into problems as soon as I got back to more frequent contact. At first this applied only to forums (such as Witscord), now this applies to individual direct messages as well.

As for attention deficiency, I have essentially been unable to work on anything since forever without extensive outside pressure. I am never able to bring myself to get started with working on something, and I am completely unable to pursue any of my creative interests in a planned fashion. I can only make progress on things if the work is completely and utterly spontaneous in-and-of itself, or if the need to make progress is simply too high, even HOUSE and EXTEN were pretty much cobbled together on a whim. As stated before, this applies to both my creative output and real work. My inability to take care of tasks on my own has caused me to have to drop out of University due to a large backlog of unfinished work.

Let me repeat that the point of me writing this is not to ask for sympathies, I write this as an explanation. There have been many incorrect interpretations and assumptions floating around my circumstance and I wish to clear them up. Examples include supposed "drama" between me and other people, which for the most part were only one-sided, coming from my end alone with no ill will or grievances held by the other person in particular. I want to clear these misinterpretations up because those people do not deserve to be viewed as if they have been a responsible part in a conflict.

To continue, I am already speaking with professionals on this matter, such as my doctor and assigned psychiatrists. Whilst the process has unfortunately been unbearably slow and with not many returns I do not want ask for support from the internet in any regard. (Not to mention my condition having led toward bursts of hostility towards those who I have talked about my issues with before.) Please do not try to support me as a near-stranger on the internet.

I am not trying to say that I am inherently a terrible person, rather I have often found myself being capable of saying terrible things despite how much I do not want to. I have likely had all of these issues since I was born, they have simply easily gone unnoticed during childhood. Being impulsive and emotional is common during youth, but as the responsibilities of adulthood gain more importance these underlying problems have crept into focus, and as of this year, this month, this day, they are practically undeniable.

All I wish from all of you who are reading this is to be alright, but I am not in a state where I can adequately support any of you myself. I cannot keep myself in check to properly give all of you around me the respect and the treatment you deserve. So in order to fulfil my will to care for all of you the only course forward is to remain at the near-to-none degree of contact I am currently at for the foreseeable future. I hope you are able to understand my decision. I do not want to do this out of some need to avoid people, I want this so that none of you will have to deal with the consequences of my own ongoing problems. I want to do what I can to get back to good health so I can talk to people again without issues.

I want to end this off by thanking everyone who has tried to support me throughout these last few years, because even though my condition has worsened it is thanks to all of you that I have been able to stay strong, realise what has been happening, and bring myself to seek help. You might have only said one small thing a year ago that you forgot, but my deepest gratitudes out of all of you. I would love to thank every single one of you personally but for reasons already outlined you know full-well why I cannot. This list is alphabetised so as to be in no particular order and should not be read as a ranking of those I care about. I am sorry if I forgot to add any of your names here or if I spelled any of them wrong.

Thank you.

7max18.

Aaronic.

Aboutgrau.

Abigail.

Ampersand.

Blaž Urban Gracar.

Charlie_says.

Cingofemoji.

Cirion02.

Coruscare.

Cubeobserver / Tetrabyte.

Darqwerful.

Detrilogue.

Deusovi.

Electron Dance / Joel Goodwin.

Elemenopi.

Exempt-Medic.

Freya.

Fullest.

Gui.

Haykam.

Hempuli.

ItzShaun.

Jack Lance.

Just-As-Large Rat.

Joseph Mansfield.

JustImagineIT.

JustKirb.

K / Popipopipopipopip.

Kammy / Jxck_wwap.

Karyl.

Katelyn.

Kekeee.

Kirbyfan.

Kube.

Kuchiwo Tsugumi / Competor.

Laserpointers.

Lavender.

Leaving Leaves.

Le Slo.

Lio Lim.

LopesDoria.

Machka.

Mafen.

Mariomak.

Milanvis.

Narthorn.

Neonesque.

Noa.

Noneuclidean.

Notan.

Obieza.

Octavia.

Omega_3301.

Pancelor.

Panic.

PastTimeShark.

Peomarder.

Pettankon.

Phenomist.

Prism Ghost.

Prodzpod.

Quaristice / U_ndefined.

Razvan.

Septacube.

Seren.

Snuke.

Sus1d1p.

SoftFro.

Steed.

SSSTTTRRREEETTTCCCHHH.

Sw3atercs.

Talesfromtim.

Tazaki / Nahcirn / 多崎つくる.

Tess (Beekie).

Thefifthmatt.

Thejonesymyster.

Tjm.

Toombler.

Toonlink.

Unsuspiciousperson.

Voytxt.

William Williams.

Xennonio.

Xxuurruuii.

Ylumiccoon.

Zaratustra.

Zimodo.

米米玉 (itscorn).

Everyone.

I am going to be okay,
I promise you all that.

I will see you around some other time.

I wish you all the best.

Stay safe.
—Razurazu.